We'll take it all...

The definition of a crisis, as far as i can make out, is as follows: (Borrowed from the MIND UK website) I have paraphrased to one important point.

..when you feel your mental health is at breaking point...

The problem I have. I don't know where that line is. It's not like I've had much of a roller-coaster ride either. It feels like this has been a slow, steady build up over a considerable amount of time.
The issues have been compounded by other issues, and the final.. well, i don't know what the final is.. This is what stumps me for creating a crisis plan. I have no idea where the goalposts are.

The wording confuses me. I don't feel like I've ever been in a crisis. Everything is calculated, cold, thoughtful.

I don't know what the tipping point is, as despite the fact that in the past I have attempted the unthinkable, and somehow come out of it in one piece (Physically anyway). I don't actually seem to have a map, or a table, that tells me exactly what point is going to break me, or when, and how it's going to happen.

So on and on I go, getting more dangerous, but slowly. It's like I don't even notice it, then one day I'm suddenly staring out over an abyss of nothing. Feeling consumed and eaten away by this disease. Until there's nothing left.

Now. Now I feel like I'm gently lowering myself into the abyss. Not jumping, not flinging, or conversely being flung by what's going on in my mind.

I don't understand how I can operate this way. I don't know how until this point I've been "fine". How I've "coped" or how I've functioned remarkably well in a day to day capacity and passed off as "normal".

Why don't I know where the point is. It seems that when it does come, it comes out of nowhere, but at the same time I feel like I was expecting it, BUT I wasn't expecting it !?

What am I... Am I so hate-able that even my mind has decided to stop telling me important information like this and just lets me "get on" with it. Is it why I was "under the radar" for so long when it comes to this.

I don't know any more.

I wish this disease would let me go, or just help me let go. I'm fine with either now. It scares me more thinking what will happen if i have to carry on.