So back in February we had unseasonably warm weather. This set off a very mild hypomania. I got it in my head that I should quit my post baccalaureate program and apply for my master's degree instead. My reasoning was sound: I hate school but I have to do it for my job, so I might as well get something useful out of it. I've always wanted my master's. I will be eligible for more financial aid and grants and tuition reimbursement. And I'll end up getting paid more (to the tune of $5000 per year). So why not? Can't be much harder, right?

So that's what I did. And then of course I crashed from the hypo into severe anxiety (very mild depression). And I began doubting that decision.

Well I got my acceptance email on Tuesday. I'm officially accepted into the online master's program. Now I'm freaking out a little bit. I'm so scared I won't be able to hack it. I did well in my post bacc classes because they were easy but I'm not sure master's level classes will be as easy. In fact I'm sure they won't be. And I have to write a thesis wherein I have to craft an original research question AND design a study. That sounds like it involves a lot of talking to other people and that my social anxiety is going to be majorly triggered.

Was I stupid for going for my master's? I've had a year stable with infrequent, minor episodes. If any time is a good time, it's now. I'm just...ugh I just worry I can't do it. If I fail I'm going to hate myself.

But honestly I'm good at academia. I had a 3.85 graduating gpa in undergrad. And that was with being pregnant during my senior year and giving birth and doing my student teaching with a newborn at home. But I also wasn't having bipolar symptoms. I was in remission. And I guess I could have another long term remission. But what if I don't?

I guess the only thing to do is go for it and if I fail to back to my post bacc program. I really really love teaching special education and I know this is where I want to spend my career. So I have to go to school anyway to get my certification, whether it's post bacc or master's. and with a master's I might actually make enough to move out of my mom's house and into my own place. Lord knows I don't now!

Ugh. I've always struggled with self doubt. I never think I'm capable of anything even when Ive proven myself wrong.