This is going to be pretty long but I need to get it out.

I'm not sure where to begin but I guess I'll start with what happened 2 years ago. In 2015 I was struggling with my depression which still wreaked havoc on my life and every day was hell. So I spent a lot of time on the internet and different forums and eventually I fell into a conversation with someone who seemed to understand me. We decided to meet up and it felt good to be talking to someone for real. He was kind and open, but he was in a bad spot too so a few months later it all fell apart. It was an emotional rollercoaster too, because I misread his signals as if he wanted more. We stopped talking for about a year and then met up again as I was roaming the big city of my country alone, we went drinking and we both felt the spark again, but he was in a relationship. We split in the morning and said goodbye. Didn't talk again until he messaged me in January.
It was the usual conversation, how are you, how's life. Over the course of a few days it got deeper, more emotional. He told me that he regretted letting me go like that, that it was wrong not to tell me how he felt. He was single, they had broken up before Christmas and he said he missed me. I was cautious, I didn't really believe him and I didn't feel like going down memory lane, because for me, it would mean cutting up old wounds. I had moved on or so I thought. A few weeks passed with us chatting forth and back and I began to feel the poison spread, I felt animosity towards him because of what had happened. I remembered how he mislead me, though I had at first said it was me misreading him but I began to see things from another perspective, one where I was the victim. It eventually got so bad that I blinded myself and began to intentionally mislead him.

It came to the point where he told me that he was actually in dire need of help. He had lost his job and place and was facing a life on the streets. My hatred took over and I actually played him. I told him that I could offer housing soon and offered to help but I never followed through. I made false promises to help him and I knew what I was doing to him. He slept on the street and starved for days. I did this to him. Knowing that he was suffering.

It was beyond evil.

We stopped talking but just last week his friend got confused with an old message I sent her and we started again. He wants to forgive me. So, I decided to meet up with him and we sat together, eventually he began to talk about what I did to him and it was incredibly hard for us both. I listened to him for about an hour until the questions came. I answered them truthfully and some of the answers were hard for him to hear, but he thanked me for being honest.

We spent in total 3 days together, talked about it all. He had gotten a place to stay and a new job, but he was living with out of a suitcase.

It wasn't until I got back on the train that it all struck me. The seriousness of it all, the consequences of my actions towards him. I burst into tears on the train and I didn't stop crying until a few days ago. It hurts. And I'm struggling to understand why and how he could possibly forgive me. He says he wants me in his life, he says he loves me.

I just can't see how I could move on from this. The guilt is crushing me and I actually just want to disappear. I'm feeling such hatred towards myself and I told him this. I want to hurt myself and I want to see myself destroyed.

I'm not the victim here and I actually just wish he'd take revenge on me and move on with his life without me in it, but that would be the easy way out of this for me, not him. It would be for me. It's such a mess.

I don't know what to do.