((((Pennster)))) thank you so much for sharing this I'm really glad he admitted he did it on purpose. I understand feeling messed with your head, it's horrible. I am really glad you have a great T now, I forgot how much I like your T as you don't post that much.

I am pretty certain he did this on purpose too, i am really really sad to say this is true. And I am certain he knew the way he did this would harm me but did it anyway. There are a number of ways he could have handled the situation, as we communicate every week. just a simple hey-someone else wants your time-I know you still planned to miss the next 2 sessions to do your other treatment, but if you can't come back tomorrow or pay for the slot for those 2 sessions, i'm going to offer it to another client. I could have done something, had a choice.

He chose to handle it in a way that would harm me and it was cruel because he threw it in my face in one of my most vulnerable moments. That is the issue, that was the harm-the worst part of it. Then raised his voice at me and was short and showed no empathy when I expressed hurt over the situation and was talking about trauma stuff. The whole session was like that. Similar to the time we had 1 mixed up session time in 4 years and he was angry and blamed me but denied it, although that didn't really harm me, just upset me.

As far as my reaction, it did trigger a lot of trauma stuff that would be good to work though. Especially doing something that effectively used my vulnerabilities to harm me-that triggered so much stuff. However, my reaction is not the same as not clearly seeing the situation that caused the reaction. I can separate the 2 when needed and would have never gotten this far in life if i didn't have that capacity.

Good people can do bad things. This is something that occurs throughout life, and it can get really triggering to not be believed. My therapist even told me he is capable of a violent act, he said everyone is.

Sorry if deletions irritated anyone. My therapist reads posts here. We don't talk about posts but i still go from ambivalent to panic about leaving stuff up. also had a hard time last night with some of the replies. Not looking for replies to my post or discussions about leaving my therapist. Just needed to get this out and be heard. Couldn't sleep all night and all stuffy from crying. Panic and flashbacks gone, but still feeling really hurt and betrayed and unsettled and hoping to get some relief by getting this out.