Quote:
Originally Posted by Savannahbug123
I've done messed up things and lost friends because of it, for sure. I've had intense shame because of it too. It's not good for your mental well-being to be labeled a monster and rejected. We all need a sense of community and belonging. I guess the only thing I can say is every human being at some point does something messed up to another human being. The people that are judging you are being self-righteous. They probably have their skeletons too. I guess maybe just forgive them. Shame about what other people see you as serves no real good purpose, and I guess it takes effort to stop caring so much about what people think of you. Everyone in this life will have enemies, it's not possible to please everyone. Just gotta build a support network of people that love you and forgive you for your mistakes. They'll make up for the people who don't. Remorse can be a motivator for change, I guess. That's what stopped me from being abusive toward my family. I felt so bad about it that I eventually stopped. So I guess I would say maybe let the remorse help keep you from doing it again, but don't let it fester in you and destroy your happiness.
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thank you so much for your compassionate reply. I have not been able to flesh this out with anyone.
In some ways, I do feel so much less like beating myself with a sharp stick since I put this out there. I feel also feel somewhat less anxious now that I know that she knows.
And I love that you said, "Maybe just forgive them." Especially since, in this situation, I can TOTALLY see her
never forgiving ME. And I don't think that's an entirely unreasonable response. She understands what I've done as BETRAYAL. Who wouldn't? And being that she still lives with him, that probably means I'm the bigger target for her rage, hurt, etc. It has to go somewhere. Know what I mean?
It's almost 80 degrees here in Wisconsin today. The windows are open for the first time all year. I can here her outside with her two youngest girls. The sounds of Big Wheels on concrete, their giggles, like a stake in the heart. I have to stay OUT of the front room, in a corner of the dining room. Hearing them is awful. Seeing them would be unbearable.
It's killing me that she will likely never again holler, "Julie! Come on over!" from across the street. It's killing me that I will never get to hold her new baby, due sometime in the next four weeks, I'm guessing. I don't even know if it's a boy or a girl.
I want to write to her, explain to her that this was never about betraying her, it was about being mentally ill, and high, and 17-shots-in-five-hours drunk. I want to tell her that none of that excuses what I've done--how could it?--even if it does explain it a tiny little bit, and I'm so sorry for how I've hurt her.
But how do say all that without it somehow coming around to having to explain how her boyfriend literally dragged me back there, where we did it? How do I explain how I couldn't have resisted him if I had wanted to, which at the time? I. did. not.
How do I explain, our friendship mattered not one bit in that moment?
How do I take responsibility for what I've done, even while a really honest part of me screams, "IWasSickIWasSickIWasSickIWasSickIWasSickIWasSick!"
How do I just tell her what she deserves to hear as someone who has been so. horribly. wronged.
She made herself so vulnerable to me. She sat on my back patio in tears just a month maybe before this happened, trying to explain her life, finally crying, "I need a mom! I've never had anyone I could trust."
I told her she could trust me.
How do I anything?