Oliver I want you to insist in getting help. So far you have been saved. Make sure that your therapist knows how serious you are. If he/she doesn't act then go over their head to someone who has the authority to get you the help you need and want. You don't want to die you want help to live a better life, that's not too much to ask. Do you have a crisis line there where you live, that you can call? Please call someone if you feel like suicide is the last resort. You have too much going for you to let the trauma win. IP would not be the worst thing to happen, it may even benefit you. I really wish you would check this out.