I so get you.

I too, think it's a coping mechanism that allowed me to stay 'high-functioning' but at this point in our lives, I'm not sure it's working anymore. Not with us anymore at any rate. Definitely working against us.

I was reading a book about EMDR and how its basic premises is that traumatic thoughts that weren't processed correctly get stuck, in a way. And that once you do process them and learn what you can, the rest gets let go. And that was the first time it really made any sense to me why there's such a big push on having to deal with an unresolved past.

Eventually, you're going to have to process those feelings and it sucks and I don't want to do it either. It will be hard.

But isn't it worth it? If it's even vaguely possible to find a way to let it go, to move past it, to find a future with your husband and kids that isn't weighed down by all this?

You're still you, regardless of what happened, and from what it sounds like, you're pretty awesome. I'm sorry for what happened to you and for where you are now, but you've got a whole bunch of strangers on the internet that'll be here for you and cheer you on.

Panic attacks are scary and no fun but temporary. It's hard to remember in the moment but they do pass. You will breathe, your heart will slow, and things will fade back in. If it helps, think of it like swelling to an injury. It's instantaneous and scary and makes you all stiff, but it goes away. You can apply an ice pack to swelling and you can apply several coping techniques to a panic attack. You can do this.