Thanks, Dlantern, that's really helpful: rather than going in all theoretical, I can talk about examples of ways that people who are there and then they are not, have led me to becoming hyper focused on them above all else, and continually searching for what I have done to cause it, and what I can do to get them back. I just don't want that level of obsession about him. It helps that he is very good about not sharing anything about his life (though he has stopped wearing his wedding ring).