I do tend to feel like the real me is not really accessible. It's odd that I'm constantly feeling like a stranger. I prefer to be alone because I don't have to think about myself at all.

It feels like I'm fractured greatly. For example when I'm around people who are going through troubling times, I'll act in a way that puts them as a priority. I won't show any of my own emotions. Like I'm using them as a means to completely negate my own existence.

I sometimes do things and cannot ever recall what exactly I've done. Like my mind was working off autopilot. Sometimes I'll remember later but not always. It frustrated me to no end to have such huge lapses in my memories.

It feels like I'm not meant to be here, to be alive. That somehow I'm just drifting through defective and unsure of why I'm still here. I'm sad but yet I can't even really identify where exactly the emotions are originating from. When people ask me how I truly feel, my answer of "I don't know" is not me deflecting.

I do spend a lot of time having maladaptive daydreams like my mind is seeking a place where it can be welcome.

I feel like a black and white painting in a world of color.