I am finding myself falling thru the cracks. I know I am sinking into a depression and it is getting harder to smile and pretend with Mogs and Mom and ppl. I keep telling myself to try harder and yet that seems so much work. Ugh, I don't know if i am making sense. I guess I am just reaching out and just need to survive until the new year. I hope mogs and everyone has enough patience to put up with me and my spastic moods until new years. Why does it not seem lighter as the years go by, as the time I have is not horrible anymore?Why can I not enjoy this season? How come my past marriage and all the mistakes have to keep with me...how long...forever???? I am so tired of it being in my face, having these thoughts in my head, thinking I should call myself all the names i am used to before someone i know calls me that...thinking i am inferior...thinking i am not a good person, that what happened to me i did to myself. Yet when asked how i am i say fine tired sore, never i feel like dying, i am beginning to sink, how far will i go this time?? I dread finding out. My meds are not helping anymore i think. And I hate the pity party. I tell mogs he should never have married me, i aint good enough, i want the feelings that i am, that maybe i am good enough, why cant i feel i am good for him, for other people, for myself? I'm sorry. I dont mean to bother anyone. I just need to...i dunno. Make it thru this month and next...god help me i cant help myself. <font color="#000088"> </font>