(very triggering)................................................

As I sit here, I look out the window and I cannot help but think of the little girl out there in some home where all looks well on the outside. Of some little boy whose Christmas tree twinkles through the window to the outside world. But if you could see inside, in the silence of what lies waiting for them.

Lots of children go to bed waiting for santa to bring them presents, toys, visions of sugar plums dance in their heads. But somewhere, santa lies in wait for the child. Their visions are not sugar plums and presents for what dances in their head--it's what dances outside of their head on the walls as they earn what santa brings.

Their innocence of being a child is stolen away in a flash, and the world outside does not even have a clue. And the world does not care. There is no joy or anticipation of the morning to come. There is no wondering where santa's sleigh may be on his jouney from house to house delivering presents.

For santa's waiting for everyone to go to sleep but not to deliver presents under the tree but to devour the child whose dreams are shattered and whose life is shattered in tiny pieces to someday try to be pieced back together to make something that looks okay. The gifts under the tree no longer bring excitement but wishes that none were for her so she would not have to perform.

The child closes her eyes hoping for dreams that could just be dreams of a child but they are the kind that not even adults dream. She lays there hearing the television in the distance, knowing she's safe as long as she can hear it. Santa is not coming as long as others are up. Out the windows, the twinkle of Christmas lights from the house next door, and she wonders if little Susie is sscared for santa to come? Her little mind wonders if maybe this year will be different. If she will not be the "special" to santa.

For she does not like to be special. So she gathers her covers around her as she watches the Christmas lights twinkle out the window. And she pretends that she is not scared and that she will be okay. She tries to forget the look she saw before going to bed that scared her so much and she closes her eyes as she prays, please keep me safe.

It takes awhile but her eyes close because she has fought so hard but sleep takes over as her body falls beneath the weight of time. But she is just a little girl and she can only fight for so long, then sleep takes over and her guard is let down. Then somewhere in the dark, unoriented to time, the child awakes terrified by a hand much bigger than her own around her throat. She cannot scream nor does she dare move.

A man, who calls himself santa, promises her gifts if she's good and does what she is told--and besides you do not want to cost everyone christmas do you? A whimper starts but the grip around her neck becomes tighter. And what would have become tears quickly disappear just as quickly as they came and santa says that's my girl.

She lays there stilljust trying to obey--staring at the ceiling afraid to move. And santa moves the covers and a little body much too small for what is about to come, lays shivering in the dark. The hand removes her panties--first to her knees. THe child tries to keep them closed but they are ripped from her. And santa says, you are going to do as I say and with every word her fear strengthens.

Soon santa is lifting her gown and his hand is roaming up and down her body--touching all the places that should be private and not touched that way. Santa leans over and kisses the child--his tongue goes deep in her mouth almost choking her. His one hand still around her throat the other prying open her legs. His knuckles bearing into her thigh making a pain that she cannot fight against.

Santa's hand around her neck tightens until her legs fall open and santa saying do you think you can really fight me? You be a good girl and I will leave you presents. With that said, santa's fingers began to touch her. They move and go up inside her and santa tells her that she is responding well. He whispers how he can tell she wants him and that she likes what he is doing.

As a little more time passes, santa's breathing becomes hard and faster. He takes his hand from inside her and brings the childs hand down to his stick. This is because of you. He wraps her fingers around his stick and tells her to rub it--it is magical. Then he removes his hand from hers. The child tries to let go but once again the grip around her neck tightens and a voice says rub it.

Obedient, she once again finds the stick and does as she was told. She feels the hand return between her legs with something very wet and cold, making her feel wetness she had not felt before. Then santa leans over and tells her she is prescious and it is time for a special present that he knows she wants. As he climbs over her, she feels his weight heavy against her body. Santa whispers for her to ask him please--but she does not want to. Again, she is told to ask him please as the grip gets a little tighter around her throat.

Please as a slightest of whisper comes out and santa whispers for her to spread her legs but she does not want to. Once again the grip tightens around her throat and she does what she is told. What santa had made feel funny between her legs was about to feel something much different. With santa now leaning over her, one hand around her throat--one holding his stick and pounding it up and down on her bare skin.

He began rubbing it between her legs, telling her that she wanted him for it was her who made him hard. Slow at first--that is such a good girl--he began breathing faster and harder. Tears rolled down her face as she cannot move. She cannot make a sound. Then santa's stick goes deep and a piercing pain hits her as she tries to close her legs. But santa grips her throat saying open--you know you like it.

Santa's body covers hers as the child is engulfed between the mattress and his body. He pulls out putting something on his stick that made it go faster. Santa keeps telling her in his voice that is breathing faster--"you are so special"--you make santa feel good. The grip around the child's neck is so tight she finds it hard to breath. And she is unsure what she is more afraid of what is happening between her legs or the hand around her neck.

Then as fast as her started, santa tightens--tears fill the childs eyes for the pain and fear she is feeling. With that tightening, Santa falls on top of her. He lays there for what seems like a long time before getting off. The child felt as though her insides are being pulled out, because even now, santa's too big for her little body.

Santa sits up but not before her with a grip around her throat, "Don't tell. If you tell they will know you wanted it" that you liked it. And you won't get any presence. Santa will take them from under the tree. With that, santa lets go of her throat and tells her to get dressed and go to bed. He gets up from her bed telling her he will know if she says anything.

The child afraid to move reluctantly gets dressed. She moves very slow hurting from the inside out. There is blood on her bed she can see from the light coming through the window. She must get rid of it so the evidence is not there. She goes to the bathroom and gets a washcloth. She wets it and moving slowly, she cleans up the bed the best she can. Shivering she climbs back in bed and pulls the covers up and stares away out the window.

Still afraid her eyes will not close. She stares at the twinking lights out Susie's window. As they glisten across the snow, she allows herself to come back into the room. Santa's come and gone for this night--she earned her Christmas with morning light. The child's body lies hurting in a way she cannot tell . Her throat aching and her heart broken.

She lays asking the question of was it her fault? Did she really cause santa's stick to harden? Did she ask for what happened? Tears roll down her face in silent cries. No one can ever know because somehow it will come back on her. She cannot make santa mad. It is not that she cares so much about the presents as what could happen to her. Her eyes burning from being so tired, yet she is afraid to go to sleep. She already let down her guard allowing santa to find her once.

But somehow, morning light breaks through--the other kids come and awake her excited for what santa has brought. The child arises from the bed walking out to the living room and quietly sits on the sofa and awaits for the parents to come into the room. Her eyes tired and her body feeling like something ran over her. She just looks --not caring what is under the tree. What is so exciting about presents that cost you and that can be earned through pain only? Why is it her that earns the presents. Not that she would want anyone else to have to earn them--but why her? She could not let there be no presents for the others, could she? The better she is, the more that she earns for everyone. She just could not be the reason for no Christmas. And the sad part is, only she knows why there are all these presents. Only she knows why in the presents is a special one for the mother.

I know--I was that child. With tears streaming I share this for the first time. I hurt and feel sick inside. Others move and know too. Sorry this is so long, but we needed to get it out. Thank you for listening.

cami