Hey, unless T is sick tomorrow, I have my appointment tomorrow. Hate only getting to see her once a month but perhaps I'm way way too attached to her. Pocket riders please?

During a recent "dark night of the soul", I texted her a ton of stuff. Told her I'm too attached, told her I'm frustrated I struggle to bring up difficult subjects I want to work on in sessions but keep writing LONG letters to her. In a fit of shoving her away, I confessed I audio record our sessions secretly. Please judge me negatively if you want but please know I already hate myself... I know what I'm doing isn't ethical, despite being legally OK in my country. I could go into the reasons why I did it but it's all been said before if one searches PC about threads on the same topic.

In a continuation of my lousy week, I also said she's the enemy because she's Christian. Yeah I got triggered over Good Friday and Easter Sunday. I know it's really unfair that I said that to her, and genuinely I know there's many good Christians. I'm just...upset because of my fundamentalist Christian upbringing and happened to read something about parents physically abusing their children dye to these teachings which triggered me.

I also told her stuff about my long term LDR relationship which isn't very healthy...as in I believe I'm abusive to my SO. And finally I told her I bought blades specifically to SH for the first time, and that I've been cutting A LOT more than usual for me...

I've told her several times that she terminating me would be a fair and valid consequence. Yeah.

I think if she does terminate me, I'll take a long break from therapy. I function, who cares if I'm miserable in life anyway? I'm just someone working a job I hate, treating the few people closest to me like crud.