I love to read about other people's therapy experiences. One thing that always puzzles me is when I read how people go in and they have so many things to talk, or maybe should I say that they want to talk and like to talk and they genuinely believe that anyone cares.

For me things have been quite the opposite from the very start (and we have the 4th anniversary very soon). I go in for days, weeks and months and I basically don't tell anything. I have seen my T for hundreds of hours and he basically still has no clue what's going on in my head. Sometimes I hear another person going to the room next door (my T's wife is also a therapist and sees her patients there). I hear how the person goes in and immediately starts talking. And I get annoyed and even angry perhaps. What is this person imagining? That she (or sometimes he) has so many important things to talk about and she really believes that anyone cares? What an arrogance! (I know it's rather envy). Once I shouted out loud that "shut up, no one cares anyway". Obviously I'm not allowed to do that anymore.

So, what goes on in my sessions. I go there and immediately after I step in, or perhaps a little bit before, I switch into a state, where no trust is possible, no wish to tell anything, no thoughts coming to my head. I sit down being a lump, staring out of the window without really seeing anything. I'm feeling ... what am I feeling, I don't know because I don't think and without thinking I would have no clue how I could feel.

Then T basically works hard the whole hour to drag words out of me, to drag me out from this state, but I don't make it easy. Anything he says or asks that could require an expression of liveliness or subjectivity from me, any questions about how I have been doing over the week-end, how do I feel or think about something, what something means to me, I block them immediately. I don't feel safe answering them (never really felt safe enough with anyone). I tell him that it's not your business, or why is important. If he suggests that I could feel something (sadness, disgust, whatever, probably something he is feeling in his countertransference at that moment) then I don't even bother thinking whether there could be any truth in it, I say immediately that I don't feel anything like that.

So what do we talk about them? Basically I just argue with him, I block him any way I can, and at the same time the desperation in my rises because I want to be together with him and yet just don't let myself. Every day after my session I try to imagine a state of being where I could be free with him, where I could let my mind wander and just tell him whatever comes to mind. I mean, I know intellectually that he is safe, I know that he cares, I know that he wants me to feel safe and held, he is very patient, he has never rejected me, I know he would never abandon me (I mean, sure, at some point he will retire too). But I don't feel trust, I don't feel comfortable. I don't want to do any intellectual talk about things - this is something I can do very well myself alone. Yet I'm apparently not able to relate to him emotionally either.

How can I drag myself out from there? Or maybe it is truly part of the process and the time we have had together just isn't enough yet? The money is not an issue either. I pay about 1/3 of my monthly income to him and it's a large amount for me but no, even that doesn't motivate me. I understand that I am never an adult in my sessions, there are different child states and these children, they don't really care about money. Yep, I sometimes talk about money in the context "I don't have to give you my words because I've already given you money and so you should first give me something back". He then tells me that I can't get if I'm unwilling to give ...

Sorry for the long post. I know that there are many very insightful people here, maybe some of them have the patience to read this through.