It sounds hard. Your therapist has the patience of a saint!! Do you sit up in sessions?
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I understand that I am never an adult in my sessions, there are different child states a
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Everyone has different experiences of child parts, but usually a young child is uninhibited. Is your adult self maybe holding back the child parts from expressing themselves? My child parts go on and on, not so much lately as they used to. Sometimes they are heard, other times feel rejected.
I used to be closed in too, but everything dissociated in 1 day and my whole cognitive structure changed. Now everything spills out. Of course I still hold back stuff in my therapy, but I normally spill out my feelings, most of them are how I feel about him, attachment feelings, rather than other areas of my life.
Do you think it's your defenses? I know having an OC cognitive type can be like having an outer/inner self. I see what looks like that cognitive style here and there on this forum.
I'm glad you are posting. It's interesting to hear what you have to say.