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But this would mean that he would somehow win. And he would be probably pleased for me and I don't want to give him this feeling. I want to deprive him from any satisfaction from working with me. I don't know how I could accept him getting something good out of our work.
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THIS, imo, is a very important statement/realization that you've made. I hear how vulnerable you feel and how afraid you are to tell your T what you are thinking --I've been there myself, although not as intense. I wonder where your feelings of not wanting another to get something from having a relationship with you? I'm also glad you are posting there and hope you find a resolution to this problem. One thought I have is that this part of you is protecting you, not allowing you to get close to this therapist (authority figure?) I could be totally wrong. Please keep us posted if you want to.