Hi TravelingLady, thanks for all that. I think you're right that I need to get my own help to deal with all this, and it's now something I'm considering and trying to figure out how best to do. Having the anonymity to talk here is at least some help.

It's actually really difficult though. For starters, you ask how my daughter feels about her mother. I know she loves her, as I also know she's aware her mum has "issues". My daughter is such a loving little soul and she seems to be coping relatively well. So what's part of the difficulty is that I've described all the bad about my wife, but there is of course lots of good there too. I'm often afraid that seeking help and describing all this will ultimately unleash some horrendous can of worms, and set about a chain of reactions I later regret. But then, what choice do I have? Unfortunately I don't seem able to make one. I'm afraid leaving her will cause her life to spiral out of control, and that she will be so much worse off. And like I said, trying to discuss it with her seems to be impossible.

With my son I eventually came across symptoms for Oppositional Defiance Disorder, and noticed he pretty much has them all. I'm pretty sure many teenage boys during puberty probably tick many of the boxes at various times, but I know the way his many teachers often report his inappropriate behaviour ticks all the boxes. So with him I think maybe I should sit down with him at some point and show him this. Ask him, in relation to what his teachers say, and with the stuff that happens at home, if he recognises elements. Maybe more awareness will help him behave better?

But yeah, I think seeing a therapist about all this myself seems the best way forward. And also like a betrayal, as crazy as that might sound.

Thanks again.