Yeah, I know what you mean. Some people process rage and hurt by shutting the person they're upset with out of their lives. My friend Jenny did that to me. I can completely relate. She cut off our friendship after I had a psychotic break and did a bunch of messed up stuff. The worst thing is that she remained friends with my mother, and she cut me out of her life right before she had her baby. I sometimes get really sad and miss her and want to see how she's doing, so I'll go to her Facebook page, and I see pictures of her with her baby and having a great time in life, and I just grieve that I never got to be part of her having her first baby and the rest of her life.

I tried writing to her and apologizing, but she ignored it. Didn't respond.

17 shots in five hours is a lot, at that point I'd be in a blackout, and there's no way to control what you're doing in that state of mind. I was a heroin addict and alcoholic for a long time, and I've definitely been 17 shots in an hour drunk before, and in a blackout, and I would wake up the next day in horror at what I was told I'd done. Lost a friend over a blackout episode that involved hitting on her boyfriend. It's awful, I'm so sorry I messed up so many relationships in my life and lost so many friends and it caused me so much agony that that's what eventually drove me to quit heroin and alcohol. I've tried to make amends to people I've wronged in my past, and some have forgiven me, some have not. It hurts to be unforgiven by loved ones I'm a religious person (Christian) and I guess I get my comfort from my God's forgiving nature, his inclination to overlook the worst of wrongs and welcome back the "scumbags", as society would call them, as dearly beloved sons and daughters who made mistakes, and love them and heal them from their past wreckage. Not trying to bug anyone by mentioning God, I know it's a touchy subject for many people. Just sharing what's helped me.

The fact that you're so deeply sorry for what you've done, shows that you're not a terrible person. A lot of people don't really give a second thought to what they've done to others.

I wrote this apology letter to someone recently, and they forgave me:

Hello, this is Savannah. You don't have to respond to this, but this has been weighing on me for some time. I just wanted to say that I am so, so sorry for what I did to your family and what I said last year. God only knows how deeply you have all been hurt by my actions and words. I wish I could go back and undo everything, and all I could think of to make things right was deleting that blog I made and everything I posted online. I was hypocritical and accusing, I slandered you and your family, I was hateful, and I was so wrong. I just wanted to say that I think you are all wonderful people, and I'm sorry for what I said and did. You don't have to respond, but I'd like to ask for your forgiveness. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you and your family are all well.

That's all I could really think of to say to them, but they forgave me, which healed my heart. I guess just writing a letter saying you were wrong, admitting what you did, pouring your heart out about how genuinely sorry you are, asking if there's anything you could possibly do to make it right, and asking for their forgiveness is an idea?

Oh man, I know the pain of saying "You can trust me" then betraying someone afterward It's one of the worst feelings in the world. I guess all I can say is despite our best intentions we all have issues, every one of us, that cause us to fail at holding up our own moral standards. No one is perfect, not a single one of us. We all need forgiveness.

I'm so sorry you're in such terrible agony Please hold on, the healing will come as you work through this. Glad you're on here reaching out for help, and I'll keep you in my prayers. Big hugs