wow... I am so so sorry. SU is such a complicated issue. I am one who tried several times but with grace was not able to ... duh I know... But I have literally been on that side. I wanted to share with you some things from the heart that I hope help just a little.

1. The mindset of SU becomes so dark that it is like being under the effects of acid. The world folds in on itself. We see and hear friends, but the voices are like a dream. It in an insanity that is beyond any other mental illness. It feels like your entire body, mind, and soul have all been exhausted and contracted the worst flu ever.

2. There is nothing you could have said or done. Nothing. It is hard for others to actually accept this, but the SU person has gone so far inside themselves that any input from anyone outside just does not exist.

When I was that sick my therapist told me all the right things. I had friends who where there and said the right things. There was all the support a person could ever have. But the sickness made me unable to "latch" onto any of those hands.

3. It was only after my SU failed .. I hate that phrase but it is the only description I know to use for myself... But only after that was I able to see or understand the pain and damage I would have left behind. And it made me so so so sick thinking all that was due to me. But at the time, I had NO WAY to see ANY of that pain.

In my right mind I would NEVER EVER want a friend, like you, to have the doubts and endless questions. I would never want to cause that pain you feel. I would suffer through a thousand and one eternal hells rather than hurt you the way you are hurting .

Your friend did not have a choice. Mental illness can and does kill people.

I encourage you to perhaps go ahead and send emails to yourself that are to your friend. Share the pain that you are in. The mental sickness stole your friend from you... and it is NOT FAIR!!!!! You deserve to have your voice and be heard.