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Originally Posted by prefabsprout
I think I do know what you mean, I think this is often decribed as 'reading between the lines'. Sometimes people can be less obvious about expressing their true emotions, the clues (often micro-changes in expression or often the eyes telling a different story to the rest of the face) can be very subtle and not easy to spot. I can see how it must be helpful that your boyfriend has exaggerated expression, and I can also see that is something that we could all be aware of to help others.
I think it is a valid point that neurotypicals (for want of better word) do not always understand or appreciate the experiences of those with autism or related neuro differences. It's something we should all try to understand IMO.
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It is probably worth mentioning that it's extremely likely he's on the spectrum himself. He hasn't gotten diagnosed officially and isn't interested because of the stigma. That might have something to do with his exaggeration of emotions. He's said he's done a lot of work on being able to show empathy himself, so apparently it's possible to build. I don't know. I've been trying to figure out how people think and their motivations by reading a lot of posts on here. I do have to say, there are some situations described on here that I can't understand why they're so upsetting or how the other people in that situation are at fault.
I'm really terrible at figuring out motivations and that hurts people (which I only kind of understand why). It's one of the things on the long list of reasons I don't attempt to make any friends. Without clear empathy it seems next to impossible to actually bond with many people.
If someone explains how they feel or their motivations (and what they need) and not just assume I'm selfish and cold, I can generally respond how I'm supposed to respond. I've been learning how to comfort by mirroring, but it still feels pretty unnatural.
I think I've developed the ability to show/feel empathy towards my boyfriend at least since I can usually recognized how he feels and get upset/stressed when he's upset/stressed. So that's something at least.
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Originally Posted by justafriend306
I believe you are born with empathy.
I raised three children.
Two seemed naturally inclined to empathy and I really don't think I did more than cultivate what was already there. A lead by example sort of thing. I certainly expected a reasonably minimum high standard of empathy, feelings, and taking others into account.
Unfortunately it wasn't so with the third. My step son has not an ounce of empathy within him - and he couldn't be taught it either. When he stole for example or committed acts of violence he had no thought for his victims. He did things like steal because he felt he deserved the money or object. It failed to occur to him what this was doing to those he stole from or hurt. No matter how much I tried to show him the impact of his actions on others the more he stared blankly in utter confusion by what I was saying. Suggesting he lace himself in the other's shoes he couldn't fathom what the point of that was. He simply deserved the object of his desire, felt wronged that he was denied it, and that he was justified in obtaining it.
I raised all three with the same nurturing, support and expectations, yet I got completely different results. So yes, I believe empathy is something innately within us.
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I'm not sure my experience is quite the same as your step son's. First of all, I rarely feel like I deserve anything. It can be difficult to even believe I deserve to be alive. Sometimes I do or say hurtful things and don't quite understand why they're hurtful. But when I realize they're hurtful I'm plagued by so much guilt. And it just builds and builds until I often get thoughts of hurting myself or actually hurt myself.