Hi all. My gf broke up with me a month ago and I still feel devastated. I'm having a hard time moving on because I'm plagued by shame and guilt. And because I love her. Not just the relationship, her as a person. I know this is a common type of post, but please give it a read.

I've read a lot about BPD in the last couple of weeks. Sometimes I wonder if it's me secretly hoping she had it, as at the moment I feel like the blame is 100% my fault.

I always knew she had had a difficult past, and I don't doubt that everything she told me is true. She had very cold, neglectful parents. She self-harmed a lot, and even carved "I HATE MYSELF" on her arm. When she was 16 she became an alcoholic for 6 years, but stopped just before she came to the UK. She goes to AA here now, and never self-harms. I really admire her strength and determination. She got into a good university to study psychology, in her second language, no less! She wants to become an addiction psychologist to help other people.

Our relationship from the beginning seemed amazing. We were together only 10 months but I fell in love with her very quickly. I was a bit alarmed at how she seemed to put me on a pedestal so quickly ("I had a dream that you were my prince on a white horse!" after a month or so.) But I felt flattered. I recognize that this is the codependency in me.

I noticed her highly emotional nature every quickly. We had our first trip together after a month, and she got her period and cried because she felt like she had ruined the trip. It alarmed me and I comforted her, telling her it wasn't important.

She had a part-time job as a nanny, and I took the kids out with her for the day. It was her first time alone with them without the parents. By the end of the day she was very stressed and had to sit in a dark room and seemed to cry and zone out, like she couldn't hear me when I was reassuring her.

She seemed to have one crisis after another. Leaving her job, becoming homeless after doing so, not getting her student loan, hating her new job. I felt myself fall into the role of a caretaker. She was very aware of that and I saw the first glimmers of resentment, so I backed off.

It would sometimes feel as if little things I said would upset her. She once made me coffee in the morning, and I joked that it was cold. That made her cry, and I felt such shame and guilt. She was only trying to show me that she was helping me. But she held on to the memory for days, and brought it up a week later, which I reacted to angrily and said it wasn't a big deal, which made her angrier.

On a holiday in Greece, she thought I was flirting with a waiter. He was sleazy and tried to kiss me, and I was disgusted too, but she stormed off back to our hotel and phoned her best friend ranting about me. I erupted in anger and said I didn't think this relationship was working, and she cried and begged me not to break up. We made up.

A couple of months later, she tried to break up with me, crying that she was just a burden to me. She seemed serious, which upset me, so I felt rage and agreed angrily. She then begged me not to, and I agreed because I love her.

Sometimes in bed I would want to read, as it was my only time to relax after work. She cried and said I wasn't paying attention to her, and I got angry, so she got dressed and started to leave, which hurt me and made me panic and cry too. We made up.

On Christmas Eve she had a breakdown because she had to go to work, but she didn't have time to bake cookies for my mum. I said it didn't matter about the cookies, nobody expected anything from her. She cried and I felt helpless. She then said I should have hugged her if she could see she was crying. I felt angry because I wasn't a mindreader and was trying to help her logically, but we made up.

I could feel her becoming resentful towards me. The things I used to do for her like cooking dinner seemed to make her resent me, I didn't understand why. I once asked her twice what time we were going to meet after work. I asked twice in a text because I was about to get the train and didn't know where to go. She screen-shotted the conversation and sent it to her friend, who told her that "Yes, she does seem controlling" about me. She told me and I became upset. I felt like I was being monitored constantly. I had no intention of controlling her.

Another time, I asked her what film she'd like to watch. She suggested one and I made a face because I didn't like it. She said "I don't like how you manipulate me." I felt such hurt. She did the walking out thing again, and I chased her down the street in my pyjamas. We made up.

In our final argument, she was ill and we had arranged a trip to a falconry. I got it as a present for her. It was expensive and I didn't want to lose the money, so I asked a week early if she could rearrange it by postponing it. She had the vouchers with the codes on. I said I'd do it myself if she didn't have time. I asked until it was two days before. She said "Just give me time, ok." I reacted badly. I thought she thought I was nagging her. I don't think she was, in retrospect. She went on a tirade how I take her for granted, and don't support her. I was full of regret and sorry, and we made up. I thought it was forgotten about, and we had a lovely weekend together.

I'm so ashamed of what I did next. On her final night together, while she was in the shower, I looked at her phone. She'd sent a psychology article to her friend two days before about how "You relationship is stopping you from being your best self." After that she had written "I need to make a decision about (me.) But I feel so guilty!" Her friend told her to do what was best for her.

I was heartbroken. I thought we had made up. I didn't know why she didn't communicate with me, and could go to my house after and tell me how she wants her life with me. I kept it to myself, but I did cry and ask her if she was unhappy with me. She comforted me and said she was.

The next day I asked if we could talk, and she asked me if I was breaking up with her. I said I didn't want to. We met at a cafe, and I confessed to looking at her phone. I asked if we could talk about everything the next day, and she agreed. The next day, I asked her to dinner and she said she couldn't, and that it wasn't working, and that she didn't want to break up but she couldn't see how it would ever change, and that it's not a rejection of my personality, but the fights, because they're killing her. I asked if we were breaking up, and she said "does it have to be black or white?" She asked me not to delete her on Facebook. I called her up crying, and she asked to come to my flat, but she wouldn't change her mind.

She came round and was so angry. She said she couldn't trust me, and that she doesn't feel safe, and that there's 8 billion people in the world, so let it go. I was hysterical. She said "wash your face!" Have some dignity!" I want to throw a glass of water at you! If you keep crying I'll just get more p*ssed off! Breaks up are part of life; The fact that you think this is the end of the world shows you're not ready for a happy relationship." She picked up all her things and left.

I'm heartbroken. The only thing that made me think of BPD was how, a few months ago, I walked in late to one of her AA meetings and she was talking about BPD. I tried to ask her after if she had been diagnosed, but she didn't really answer.

If it is the case, I feel so low. I reacted in all the wrong ways to her insecurity, and watching her cry made me feel more and more unworthy as I thought I was making her miserable. I feel such shame and guilt. We haven't spoken for a month. She has her exams now and is stressed. I don't think she will ever initiate contact. I wish I had read about BPD before. I wish she had told me, if it is true. I'm heartbroken. I go to Codependents Anonymous and am having counselling, but I’m distraught.

Thank you to anyone who reads this.