I dealt/deal with something that sounds similar. I didn't want him to be pleased or content that he was able to help me. I didn't want to give up the control that refusing him gave to me. I didn't want him to be happy for me or see me changing. I didnt want to be able to accept any of my desire for namby pamby weak "clingy" behavior. I wanted to keep him firmly shut out. I wanted to NOT want to see him. I didn't want to find any relief in his presence. I was full of bluster and bravado. On one level I completely meant all of it. But on another level it really was a lie. One he could see through, I am sure.

The first step for me was noticing the gap between those feelings and my rational thoughts. I had been showing up to faux-fight with this man on a regular basis. Even if I didnt WANT to want to talk to him and did not WANT to want to see him.... a very tiny part of me did. A mortifying part wanted connection. Gross. I was not happy about this.

I wasn't hurting T with the distance, but I was hurting that part of myself. And I am all "I HAVE MY OWN EFFING BACK BECAUSE I ONLY TRUST MYSELF AND SCREW THE REST OF YOU". So, what a disturbing discovery that I didn't always have my own back. Plus, how obvious is it that I did find him helpful, no matter how much I complained or tried to explain the small slice of what he was useful for to me. I would scorn and belittle others who wanted anything else from him. I would attack his froo-froo-ness. I needed him to know he was failing me. He needed to know I was too strong to fall into any of his little bs games intende to help me. I didn't need any of that. I was BETTER than that. I was smart enough not to fool myself into thinking my crap was important or of interest to anyone other than myself! I know how to not be annoying like those other self-absorbed fools! I am likeable because I don't need a damn thing. I am aware if the reality. Everyone should admire me for my lack of annoying need and imposition.

So I started by talking about why I didn't want to talk. Why I didn't want him to "win". Why I didnt want him happy for me, why I didnt want him to think he had made any impact on me. He understood it. He would repeat back that he knew I did not want him to have any importance to me. We still talk about this, as I still struggle.

It has gotten easier to admit to the feelings of wanting to share. I don't always like admitting it. His non-reaction helps. He tells me he does not find my desire to be closer to him to be horrifying and attention-mongering, yet he also understands that is how I often experience myself when those desires arise. He speaks to both sides of it. The part that wants the power and the control and the anti-need is still disgusted - and that is still the part that is usually present in session. But the part of me that WANTS to talk to him - the me that I am when I am alone, the me I often have trouble acknowledging -- that part feels relief at being heard during my sessions, even if it didn't really unfold in the manner that part of me would have preferred.