The truth is I'm not sure what my diagnosis is anymore..
I think they still have me listed as Bipolar I... with a list of other diagnosis, PTSD, somatization, ADHD, emotional disturbance, ect ..

one of the things I want to do is talk to my therapist about my diagnosis so i can know whats up with me, have a name for it, instead of feeling so left out of the loop on whats going on with me...

I try to read as much as I can on these things, to the point that it becomes an obsession sometimes and gets out of hand... Thats happened a few times and I'm trying to be more in control over it ultimately and research in a more healthy fashion..

I relate with things from BPD, sure.. the emptyness, confusion... but i dont have explosive relationships... i do idolize sometimes and find myself thinking highly of a person i just met and then being dissapointed by them when i get to know them more that they werent what i wanted them to be i guess...?

I relate alot to the D.I.D. too though...
but I'm having a great deal of cognitive dissonance with whats happening inside of me, like you said I'm hyper aware, but stepped back from it, trying to figure it out while at the same time experiencing great distress...
So in that sense, i become very confused... as i Know exactly what is going on, and yet have no clue at the same time... does that make sense?

My mind is battling over sanity and insanity...
with the way my memory is im afraid im going to lose... im trying really hard and fighting really hard, but... i think its winning and im losing...

I know i dissociate a lot... and its getting worse...
I'm having a hard time staying conscious i think... im awake, but its not me, i get pushed to the back and auto pilot dude kicks in and takes over... or something like that... then someone will talk to me and ill snap back and be confused and like what just happened? I usually say things like "i wasnt paying attention" or try to pretend like i know whats going on

I just need to get rid of the dissonance... I guess thats what my therapist is for