Good morning all

So I will start by saying I'm seeing a psychologist. Its nice to be able to just ramble on endlessly about all the crap I have stored in my mind. However, so far I haven't had any major epiphanies or breakthroughs. So I'm confused as to what it actually wrong.

I know there is something not quite right, I have done some internet research but everything that I find is essentially guess work.

So I'm hoping I can find someone amongst all of you wonderful members who might be able to relate to my situation. I'll only list the major concerns I have, don't want to bore you with details.

I can go for weeks being happily content and then suddenly one small thing sets me off into a pit of self loathing and emptiness for a few days. And nothing lifts me out of this mood. I am a black hole of sadness and hatred. (my ex once told me that I just enjoyed being a miserable *****). I haven't had one of these periods for about three weeks now but I'm dreading when the next one decides to grace me with its presence. I will often cry for no reason.

I have no self esteem and this is ten fold when I get into one of my down moods. The level of self hatred I can hit is scary.

I obsess with thoughts of death. Not that I want to die but an absolute dread of actually dying. Which is stupid, because its inevitable. I have panic attacks about death, usually when I'm laying in bed trying to sleep. I will randomly be laughing with my brother or something fun with someone close to me and then suddenly feel sad because I think about them dying. Sometimes its all I think about through a single day, it can be obsessive.

I isolate myself from people, I have practically lost all my close friends and have bad periods of loneliness. However, I have no actual motivation to go out and be around people despite my loneliness. Yet I need constant validation, especially from my bf.

Lastly, I get angry. Like super 'Hulk Smash' angry. I have smashed holes in my computer desk, I throw stuff, I scream, I curse and I get nasty. Nasty to the point that when I look back at my behavior and I am gutted at how disgusting and hurtful I was acting. But when I get angry I can't stop. Rationally in my mind I know that I am being unreasonable but I can't control it. And I only ever get that angry at the people I love the most and it scares me that I can hurt someone that I love.

If anyone has any tips or tricks on how I can curb some of this behavior I would be more than appreciative Any ideas on what I'm dealing with here would also be welcome