I've been "cancer free" for over two years now. I was diagnosed months before turning nineteen and I'm twenty-one now. I'm not sure if it has something more to do with psychology or it's actually physical, but I've been feeling weak again and often lightheaded. I'm more worn down more than usual and yes, it could be a mix of depression and anxiety waging war on me at the same time. I have an appointment with my oncologist the second of May. It will be my first appointment with him in almost two years due to me being so depressed that I just couldn't get myself up to handle it.
I made this appointment because I need to know. There are a couple lumps on the back of my neck, near where the surgeries and radiation took place. One has been there a long time and I don't believe it's anything more than built up tissue. The other one, it's either a swollen node or a tumor. My headaches have changed a bit, as well. All of these things are a cause for concern but they aren't the real reason why I booked the appointment. It's because of something else that makes me sound crazier than I already am.
Whenever I've been around someone, whether they seem healthy or not, I get this feeling in my gut that they're going to pass away soon and sure enough, they die. Call it intuition or whatever, but I literally feel like it will be the last time I see them and it's like I feel that person being taken away from me and then they're just gone. Well, lately it's not that they're being taken away from me. I'm being taken away from them and I can't stop thinking these thoughts of, "I really hope they can get through this."
I was told that if it came back (Melanoma stage 3b) then I would simply be fighting for time, not a cure. I was also instructed to expect re-occurrence -- if it were to occur -- in the brain, lungs and/or pancreas. Honestly, this could all be my psyche working against me, especially considering voices are telling me that I'm going to die.

I don't know why I had to write all of this down on here and I don't know what to ask anyone who reads this. I just thought I'd document, I guess. Also to document that, if it is back, at this stage in my life I'm not sure I care to fight it again. I've fought too much and I want to be done. "Guess I'm not the fighting kind" -Keane, 'A Bad Dream'.