This is beautiful, thank you for the description It's something I'm dreaming of having in my next life...
I saw this mother and daughter in the bus, and the daughter had suddenly decided to lean her head on her mother's shoulder and I saw the letting go..feeling safe and cared for...The mother was there, gentle but sitting upright, with confidence...
Then the realisation hit me that this is something I'll never have and it made me cry.

In the same time, and this might sound odd, I somehow feel very guilty because my parents seem to want to give me everything I need, my mother seems to be obsessed with "taking care of me". But that safety feeling is nowhere near. I feel desperation.

There is this huge wall between us and I can't cross it. I constantly feel that it's my fault. Why don't I try harder...But there is something in our relationship I cannot put my fingers on. It's suffocating. It's like all fake and no substance, and no one else can see it. They are perfect...as everyone tells me...so I must be crazy
But am I making up this constant feeling of shame and self-repression when talking to them? The need to "be strong" and not show emotions and the feeling of being sucked into an emotionless black hole? It's just confusing..