Quote:
Originally Posted by ArcheM
Since a very early age I wanted to do something creative - I think the first thing was writing. But here I am, at almost 29 years of age, at a dead-end data-entry job, with no achievements of any note under my belt, but with a crippling social anxiety. And also with a university degree in a subject that I frankly now abhor, and have done almost since beginning to study it.
It goes without mention that I have almost no friends. In fact, the only person I'd consider a friend I don't know when or if I'm going to meet again, because he's my friend by the dint of being (or possibly having been) my sister's boyfriend, but my sister and I stopped talking to each other 2 years ago and then she moved to a different city (the boyfriend lives in yet another city).
I work from home and feel less and less (to the point of insignificance) connection to my employers or coworkers, with added anxiety of feeling like I could be fired at any minute because of how disposable I am.
I can't even find community online. Most of the time I can't contribute anything and can only ask for help (like here), which makes me feel like a freeloader. Nor am I ever able to find a role or identity of any significance, always remaining a random stranger, partly because my social anxiety extends to online stuff.
And a little under a week ago I had something like a breakdown. It had to do with a work task that I've always hated, but this time I couldn't face it for a couple days, even though it could be completed in around an hour. And since then I've mostly been watching Youtube and playing a videogame. You'd think a break would help, but every time I leave the virtual world I remember that if anything is going to change it'll be for the worse (I get fired), I feel lonely and helpless, and also afraid to move out of close vicinity of my house.
Thanks for reading, if you've made it this far. I know you can't help, but maybe it'll help to just offload this onto the Internet.
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First - you are neither a freeloader nor insignificant. Your job as a data entry operator is nothing to be ashamed of. Many people don't have jobs at all. Some neither want jobs nor to apply for disability or assistance of any kind but rather just go to food pantries, soup kitchens, stay with relatives, etc. You are still trying to support yourself and you are doing so with a well paying job - I know from being a data entry operator once myself.
Anxiety - whether social, general, or otherwise - is also nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, it causes you to have more problems in life at times - but they are not situations that cannot ne worked with. Try putting a few drops of 100% therapeutic grade lavender essential oil on a bit of cloth or tissue and carry that with you whenever you go out - whether it's to work, the grocery store, or just social places. Then if you start feeling yourself getting anxious, take out the tissue or cloth, place gently over your mouth and nose, and breathe for a min or two. It will help you calm. You can also try diaphragm breathing (without the lavender). You can do that while sitting or standing. If you are sitting, you can try visualization.
If you have problems with dissociation when your anxiety gets top bad - also carry a tissue or cloth with a few drops of 100% therapeutic grade cedarwoood essential oil. Use it the same as the lavender. Alternatively, if you are sitting down - and able - you can take your shoes off and gently rub your feet on the floor in circles, to bring your senses back to what is "real".
Don't worry so much about the background of your friend being your sister's ex. This is your life. That is her life and her past, not yours. You cannot control her and her behaviors, thoughts, beliefs, or actions, nor should you try. You can and should, however, control that of your own. It is your and his choice what relationship you do or do not have with each other - nobody else's. Don't let anything nor anyone else interfere with that.
You are stronger than you believe yourself to be all you need to do is look deep within yourself.
❤