I spent my entire childhood trying to feel loved by my Mother,trying to pull some attention and affection out of her.She always felt like she had a cold,concrete wall around her that I didn't know how to get past.I believed if I could find a way past it,if I could just somehow get on the other side of it I could find her,find that caring,loving Mother that I longed for.

I thought it was me,that I was unlovable,that I was defective,and if I could just figure out why and change whatever it was I could get past the wall around her and be loved.I put a lot of work and effort trying to figure out what it was.Maybe if I did better in school,nope,that wasn't it because even with straight A's and perfect attendance she didn't love me.Maybe if I cleaned the house,dressed myself,tied my own shoes,did everything on my own like an adult she would love me.Nope,she never noticed.Maybe if I took care of dad when he was so wasted,stayed in the bedroom with him,held a bucket for him to pee in because he wasn't able to get up to go to the bathroom she would love me.Nope,that just became my job,nothing special,nothing to be loved for.Maybe if I colored pictures for her,made cards telling her how much I loved her she would be so amazed by my artwork she would love me,but no,she never even acknowledged them.

I could go on and on about all the things I tried to get her to love me,to give me a hug or tell me she loved me.I wasn't expecting much,just one hug or one I love you would have been enough for me.But it never happened,not one single time.

I tried to get her to love me all through my adult life too,just in different ways that never worked.I even tried to hug her once and she pushed me away and said it was too awkward.Nothing has ever been good enough for her,I have never been good enough and it has hurt so deeply my entire life.

I realize though that she is just not the motherly type.We never had a connection,we never had a bond.It has nothing to do with me,it never had anything to do with me.She is not capable of loving,she never was and never will be capable of being a mother to me.Biologically,yes,but that is the only thing that ever made her my mother ,she was not in any other way.

I wish I had realized that years ago,wish I had saved myself a lifetime of trying so hard to get her to love me.I wasted my life with all the hurt and pain that went along with feeling defective.I accept the truth about the whole situation now,accept the truth about her,and I still hurt at times,still long for a mother,long to be loved by her,but I also know it will never be.

She is no longer in my life even though she lives pretty close to me.Sometimes I think about reconnecting with her but I don't want to put myself through that.I wish there was a way to have a relationship with her but I can't really have just a friendship with her,she's my mom,it's painful to love someone that doesn't feel love for you in return.

Guess I'm thinking about this with Mothers day coming up soon.Not even sure what kind of responses to expect,if any at all.