I've had anxiety problems since I was about 12 yrs old (I am now nearing 20). Had a lot of health anxiety, general panic, and separation anxiety (from my mom) for years until I got a GAD diagnosis, and things began to even out on their own: I worked almost full time, interacted with people, etc., I was as close to happy as I can be with the nagging worry at the back of my mind.

While anxiety has been kind of constant for many years now, depression has also intruded and now I am dealing with both: today, my anxiety paralyzes me with terror at a lot of things and as of this morning I have officially abandoned the new job I was supposed to start. Yesterday was my 1st day, called in and made something up because I was scared. She gave me another chance today, I was so sure I'd be chill and just do it, but again - lied and said my car broke down, and now I've more or less burnt that bridge.

This is the second time this has happened in less than a month; I got hired for a great job a hotel a couple weeks ago, woke up, didn't call and didn't show for my 1st day. Lied to my family and said the guy who hired me screwed me over, so now they're all upset at him and have no idea it's not me. They (my family; my mom and dad and my grandmother whom I live with) think I am working and just fine in the mental health dept. I'll probably end up lying to them about this newest job too, and just pray that I don't trash the next chance I have (an interview tomorrow morning).

Anyway, while I am always anxious the one area where it's really ruining my life is with work. I don't get anxiety in classes (full time student), but I do find myself just not caring what happens. Like, not studying, bombing all my work, and feeling literally nothing about it. That's where the depression comes in. I can get excited about distant future plans like an exciting career or cool place to someday live but everything else just means nothing. Some days I start questioning the meaning of *anything*, like existence at all. Does it even matter that I don't have a job when I could just drop dead tomorrow? Does school even matter when for all I know we could go into WW3 and I won't be able to pursue a career anyway?

It's also worth mentioning that these feelings, when they start feeling *really* intense, get taken out on my forearm where I've been cutting (very shallowly) for the past 1.5 yrs, on and off, just whenever things feel truly awful. This is one of those times, and I even had my mom ask me why I had bandaids on - told her the cat mauled me.

I have been smoking marijuana for a couple of years now and it's only when I get high that I feel like I can enjoy things at all, any other time I feel terrible. I've been trying to cut down so that I can just enjoy smoking as a treat again, but my anxiety gets so bad that I get desperate and start again like a chimney until I can't afford to buy more.

I just don't know what I'm doing anymore, or what I'm looking for. I keep feeling like I am seeking something but I don't know what it could possibly be. I either feel anxiety to the point of not eating, numbness, or deep, spiraling depression. Brief moments of hope or confidence but those rarely come up anymore.

(Since this kind of all stems from anxiety I posted here. Apologies if it needs to be moved over to Depression or somewhere else.)