It has been a long few weeks. My husband and I are on the fritz big time. I have been doing the trauma therapy with the new therapist, and staying in contact with my old T via email and phone.

Well these past 2 weeks have gotten out of control, my husband has become verbally abusive, he wants me out of the house, and he wants to stay here with the kids. He is the one that started to have an affair, yet it is me that has torn the family apart. He says, I am taking to long to heal, that I am just babying all of this, that my inability to get over this caused strain on our marriage. I moved out about 3 weeks ago for 2 weeks, went and stayed in a hotel, via email with my T he convinced me to come back, because he feared that by me moving out, it would show the courts that I was the one that abandoned the kids. That would give my husband the advantage. So I moved back home last weekend. My Thanksgiving sucked!!!! Not that I expected anything different.....but it would of been nice, anyway!! Since then I told my husband I was going to see a lawyer to get some advice, he told me if I went to a lawyer he would take the kids and move in with his brother, so I didn't go to a lawyer.........I have fallen back into the victim role, and I didn't even see it happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So anyway I met with my old T today, and it was a long session, for the first time in the year and a half I have been going to him, I saw another side of him.

He talked with me about my marriage, how I felt about it, how the kids feel about me leaving, and then coming back. What they want, what they don't want. Then he hit on my husband, how he has munipulated me, and threatened me, and how I have fallen back into the victims I lived for my whole life, how I allowed him to abuse me emotionally, he asked me if this sound familiar at all??? YEAH it does, now that you put it all on the table like that!!!!

So we talked about how I can make this easier on me, and stand up for me. He told me that he is very protective of me, and that he is very worried about me. I told him he shouldn't worry about me at all. Guess I shouldn't of said that to him!!! He asked me why?? Just because I said, he told me we have been through alot together this past year and a half haven't we? Yes! He told me that he has seen me grow in my healing so much and that what my husband is doing to me makes him so angry, that he has taken advantage of me, when I am so fragile. My husbands veiw point on me not getting over this, makes him angry, my T said that he may be biased of this remark, because of me, and how much he has seem me grow, but how the hell does your husband have the right to say such a thing to you, when there is no time frame on healing.....ever!!!

So then we talked about a plan, first being seeing a lawyer for legal advice, he says he isn't ever going anywhere and is right here to walk me through this step by step, if stopping the trauma therapy right now is something I want to do, he will stand behind me 100% until my feet are back on the ground.

He asked what my sister feels about all of this, I told him her main concern right now is if I leave my husband or throw him out, that I am not emotionally strong enough to handle it. She is afraid that I will act on my suicide thoughts. He thought about that, and then agreed, and said that we have to get you back on your feet, and hold you up if we have to until you are strong enough to do this on your own, but by staying with your husband right now, he is just making you feel less and less about yourself, and putting you in more danger.

So it was along draining session, I left feeling alittle better, that I am not alone right now. I never wanted my marriage to be over, I thought it would just all go away and we would be ok!!!!! Now that we pulled all the pieces out, and placed them in front of me, I see alittle clearer now, my husband blames it on me.......I am not entirly convinced it isn't me yet, but maybe in time!!!

So then I come home to %#@&#!..........I should of just stayed away for awhile. I came home late, because it was a late session that ran way over, no supper started the kids were hungry, he was sleeping......I threw some home made soup on, and he comes out and says thats IT!!! Then he started in about me seeing my T for a session and he doesn't want me seeing him anymore, I can just see the woman therapist, why do you have to go back to your old T.......I don't understand where any of his thinking is coming from>>>> ???? Does anybody get why he doesn't want me seeing my T, wouldn't any of your spouses, or significant others want you to get better and not worse????

Sorry this is so long..........but it has been a month of hell........and so much to write, and still didn't get it all in......