I think it's hard now for people not to notice that I'm depressed. But I live in a world where apparently people just ignore this.
I can understand them.
Like, "everyone is depressed".

I think it hurts that I feel that I'm not allowed to break down. My pain is invalidated.
Maybe I'm not allowing myself.

There are two types of reactions: either invalidation (x has it worse) or wanting to force me into "smiley mode". Both of them are painful.

I'm not sure what I want, I might have an actual issue with the whole "not being allowed to suffer" belief and that I have to do everything by myself (even though I dream of someone helping, I don't let them)

The only one I'd let to help me is my therapist but he also thinks that "I'm gonna be fine".

Now I'm fine. Yesterday night I was walking in the park drinking, talking by myself and thinking about ways to self destruct. So I don't know...