I'm in a similar place right now. On the one hand, I'm over everything; on the other, I just want to do things that will get me out of my rut and allow me to enjoy life. Alas, I am also experiencing little to no motivation - no matter how bad I want to do something, it's not going to get done. I didn't think it was BP related at first, mostly life circumstances and ADD, but the more I contemplate what is going on, the more it seems as if everything is teaming up against me. My ADD has been so out of control lately (seriously, my brain is like burnt scrambled eggs most of the time). I think it is pushing me toward some kind of BP episode. Basically, ADD may be driving the bus, but it appears as though our next stop is to pick up our old pal, depression or maybe a mixed state or two.

Nothing is official yet, with regards to being in an episode of any kind, but I have this terrible feeling that if I don't catch this one early, it will take me to a very bad place. Let's just say the last time I felt so mentally uncertain and confused was back in 2004 just before I entered a three year period of rapid cycling and insanely heavy drinking and some other substance abuse. Which brings me to last night...

Last night, in an effort to escape this mental anguish, I fell back into my old ways a bit. I took way more zolpidem than I need to sleep because I wanted to get high. Mission accomplished... but then I took a butt-load of Ritalin I had laying around (no, I don't take it for ADD; we tried it but it didn't work and I just hadn't gotten rid of it yet) to "add to the experience" of life not completely sucking for a few short hours. I suck. I know.

For ten years I have been a good boy, all for it to go down the crap hole just like that. Last night was the second or third slip up in a month or two. It scares me. I don't want to go back down that path, but I am weak. I am very prone to substance abuse when I feel I am losing control of my life and myself. Fine normally, but this isn't normal - not even "crazy normal" tbh.

So I kinda get where you're at, even if it is a bit different. I'd say definitely look into calling your pdoc and or T (if you have one). I was going to call today to see if mine had any cancellations for the end of this week or next week but I haven't done that yet. I still have another week and a half before my next pdoc appointment. Shoot. Maybe I'll see if my therapist can fit me in sometime before then.

I hope everything calms, if even just a bit, for you and that your pdoc/T can help. Not that we really know each other but, given we're in a similar state of being, feel free to PM me if you want or need a buddy to talk to about it all during this rough time.