Quote:
Originally Posted by bluestar1
THIS is the work we're here to do. It's the main objective in every person with ruptures and fractures in their way of sensing self and the world. It is my own life's work and I've been at it since day one. For every negative thrown at me since childhood I've been in a state of *NO* - *Not this* *This isn't right*. I've always felt that this was wrong but I couldn't figure out how to deconstruct the conditioning I was given and how to recode. Fastforward many years and I am just now getting some kind of insight on how to go about *loving the self*.
But here is the biggie.
The actual question that precedes *how to love oneself* is - How to fully embody into this world, BE HERE FULLY, and how to love that?
Because most of us if not all of us are not even here, present in our bodies, feeling anything except flashes of anger, anxiety and depression. So how to feel the FULL range of emotions, while being in the body fully and loving THAT.
I've been disassociating for my entire life. I zone out, phase out, do not get humans at all, do not have relationships for the reason of not understanding how to be in this world, feeling completely alien. So what I can do? Is at least be conscious.
Conscious and aware of everything I say, do, think. Not judge. Be as grounded as possible wherever possible, whenever possible and to increase this into feeling something beyond numbness. Appreciating what is. Blessing what is. Knowing that everything is ok. No matter what. If I do good, and strive for good, not holding grudges or anger - turning that around to something better, that's a plan for something great.
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I relate a lot with what you've said here. I've worked on myself tirelessly and (I thought) self-lovingly in the past two years. I really tried everything. Grounding techniques, connecting to my inner child, changing beliefs, clearing energies, working on boundaries, etc etc.
I'm not saying those aren't good, they are.
Every method can be helpful for someone.
And it's not even about methods, it's about the realisation.
But in my journey towards self love I've somehow lost it and ended up becoming extremely sensitive, my natural high sensitivity multiplied...Which made life seem unbearable. Being conscious of here and now feels like it's ripping my soul out. Everything is magnified, connecting to people is painful, being alone is better but still painful.
There is also this constant unease of being in my body, especially as I've been told since being small that my body is not okay...
The "being inferior" program is hard to override. I don't know...
I still have some of the perspective you mentioned though, the love is there, hidden in the corner of my existance.
But I'm tired now of all this...