Hi

I have been feeling worse and worse lately. We just moved into my BFs country and I am struggling to learn the language and get a job.

I recently got diagnosed with BPD after many years undiagnosed suffering. I just started therapy.

The issue is, I feel very suicidal mostly every day. It's like I am tired of life, in a VERY deep way. I no longer even want anything with my life. I feel done, in a way I never felt before. I struggled with anorexia for 13 years and now this. I understand therapy can help but I feel I don't have the strength to go through this. So I think and plan how to end things all the time, and I am getting obsessed with it.

I have SOME good days, but they are getting less and less.

Yesterday, when I told my therapist about these thoughts, he offered hospitalization for a while. I don't know what to do because my experience with this (was hospitalized twice due to anorexia) is if I go into the hospital I immediately feel so much better that they end up discharging me sooner than later, and then I am home and it all starts again until I end up in the emergency....

It's like I am too well for hospital, too sick for home.

I am trying to build a life here and going to the hospital feels like it would rob me of the little things I care about (studies, our new flat, our cat), but on the other hand, I don't know if I will make it if I stay at home.

Any thoughts??