Hi Brownhat

I'm really sorry you had to go through that with your friend

And it is understandable that you didn't really/fully recognise this before, afterall you identified her as a friend/someone you held dear, so sometimes it can be instinctive to make excuses for someone, to not want to look too closely at their behaviour at the time, to want to hold onto the person they were, to want to move on with them or hope things can be different etc............
But in a way it is really good that you have made this realisation, I'd see it as a bit of a breakthrough!!!

I know it might bring up lots of really difficult and conflicting feelings but with "the bigger picture" it can also in time help you better address your feelings about yourself and your relationship with others e.g. what you should be able to minimally expect from them. You know the saying "knowledge is power" right?!!
And although I know that abuse can be all encompassing but if you can try not to let it steal all of your childhood away, although a very big aspect of it by the sounds of it, remember this was one aspect of it...........so if you do have other memories in there which were positive try not to let this "overshadow" them too much if you can..........they are yours and you deserve to keep them, she does not deserve to tske them away from you!!

So just to finish.........congrats on the breakthrough!!!!
And if you need more support in handling this.........we're here

Alison