i look to here for peer support and understanding....
im really struggling.. and i do tell the doctor people that...
i dunno whats wrong... i just know its bad...
im really scared... crying... depressed... hurting...
but i feel empty... nonexistent... im not here... but i am here...
and i don't think anyone in the world can understand what i mean...
i cant figure out the words to use to describe it...
its so scary... so alone... misunderstood...

ive always had to separate myself from feelings... so im trying to feel now...
but i cant.... im not crying physically... i think im blank... but im crying so hard inside...
im just not alowed to cry physical... not allowed to have feelings...
for some reason i was learned that feelings are bad... and only way to survive is to not feel... to box everything up... to be a third party to my existence... not to be the exister.... because im not worth to have a life...
so just have to protect the vessel... by all means... to it to have a life... atleast something...

i just dont want to be a lone... i just wish someone could understand me... believe me... i trying so hard... i just feel like i cant try more hard... there nothing more i can do to try harder...

i not sure whats the point to all this... this life... this protection field i created to protect ... whatever i am from the world... not sure what the point is to life... if there a point for me to try so hard i dont know.... i dont know why i trying so hard... whats the point.... it not gonna change anyting.... i dunno what i feel... im feeling weird...
trying to see these feelings.. but.. i cant feel them i get dizzy... so i look at them from afar... but its all a jumbld mess... cant make sense of it... so many years of torment built up... where to even begin...

i not looking for answers anymore... there are no answers... cause i am the answer to the questions... i created the questons... i created the answers... i created this mess...