I feel like I'm spamming the boards here, but I guess I'm just in a place where I need to let out all of this mess that's been chained behind the steel doors of my mind. Sometimes to survive we have to cut the chain, you know?

A few things have me thinking. My past, even as I see it now, I think I'm still looking at it through rose colored glasses. I've always tried to make excuses for it and I've always taken full blame for everything that transpired. I still do this because it makes everything less scary. The thing is, closing your eyes can make things seem a little less scary, but it doesn't take away the beast's actually power. Forgetting isn't an option. Facing it is the only way through but I don't know if I'll survive it.

No one around me knows who I am behind closed doors. They don't know just how shattered my mind has become. They don't know that I take medication now, just so I'm not lost to delusion. I want to tell them how desperately I need help. "I cried tears you'll never see" and there's no way I can explain what each individual tear was for. Inside every single drop is a memory and every tear is different. Just like these scars on my arm. They all hold their own meaning. Their own story.

I can't explain this to people and for that, I am so damn alone. "Letting people down is my thing," and it's all I ****ing do. They don't know what I have to fight in order to seem like I'm functioning, let alone actually functioning. I'm not alright. I haven't been for some time. I want to give up so bad "Won't you say goodnight, so I can say goodbye?"