It's been a very busy and eventful week!!

I'm now officially a grandmother (Yaya) as of yesterday afternoon.

My DIL developed preeclampsia and they started inducing her Tuesday night. She, my grand daughter, came into this world at 3:54 Wednesday afternoon. She had 30 minutes on her mom's chest and they detected that she was having breathing problems. They took her to the NICU unit to make sure she was ok. She has been there since. They are monitoring her oxygen levels and breathing.

My DIL is having such a hard time, not being able to hold her daughter, as well as my son who is covering his feelings.

My heart is breaking because that little does not have contact and connection with her mom or dad. I've learned how important connection and contact are dealing with my screwed up attachment issues.

I went to visit them tonight and got to see my grand daughter for the first time. She is so tiny! 5lbs 8oz. The nurse was explaining to us that the most important thing was to keep her calm and not distress her. The nurse said that was why my DIL could not hold her. Heart breaking to me! I touched her lightly and offered her my pinky, which she grabbed and held on to. She is so beautiful.

We left after the nurse told us that. The baby cried when we walked away. My DIL cried and I wanted to also. Mine was internal.

Is this hurting her? Is this traumatizing her? Does she know? Will a part of her remember and not understand?

It's triggering all kinds of feelings in me that I'm not sure how to sort out.

There's a lot more in my mind that I do not know how to put into words.

I just wanted to put it here.

Thank you for hearing me.