Before giving an update I wanted to come back and respond personally.
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Originally Posted by Trippin2.0
So why did you start seeing him?
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I started seeing him because I figured that there is something wrong with me. Something which I couldn't quite put a finger on. Something related to not being able to connect with people, feeling alienated, not understanding what intimacy is about.
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Originally Posted by lucozader
...and why are you still seeing him? There must be some reason for putting yourself through this, right? If you can pinpoint that, I think it's your key to working this out.
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And I guess I still see him because although I now understand better what was wrong, those things are not solved yet. I think I put myself through it because he sort of offers something that part of me wants terribly and that scares the hell out of another part of me.
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Originally Posted by unaluna
Wow i am surprised to read all this, because from your posts, i thought you were my third twin in t.
The other thing is - an easy relationship with your t is not necessarily something that just happens naturally. For me, i made a decision (after about 3 or 4 years) that i just wasnt going to fight my t any longer. I announced it to him, and i asked for his help in stopping it, as i had a habit of "just saying no" to any of his suggestions. Its a very hard habit to break.
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I guess I am not quite there yet. I could announce it in one state of mind and in another state of mind completely ignore him if he would try to help me. I guess I'm trying to figure out how would it feel to be in the place you describe and how to tolerate it.
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Originally Posted by Echos Myron
That sounds like a very, very difficult place to be. It is as though this angry version of yourself who feels completely worthless is in a battle with your rational self. Somehow his version of you takes over the session and prevents you from communicating with your therapist. It sounds incredibly frustrating.
I'm not sure you should be trying to drag yourself out of this state. It sounds as though those children really do need to be heard and accepted rather than fought against. If you don't allow the young feelings to be heard, I wonder if this would have echoes of your childhood for you? Were your feelings accepted or stifled by your caregivers? Perhaps now is the time to let those child states have their say so they can be integrated and accepted as part of you.
Would it be possible to explain this to your therapist in an email and devise a plan for working with the feelings in session? You could ask him not to raise the email in session and tell him why. It sounds like your adult self and your therapist need to get your heads together and work out how best to give these feelings space and acceptance.
It's tough work and it sounds like you're right in the midst of it  |
Thank you very much! I think you summarised the situation very accurately. Of course it echoes my childhood, I grew up with my mother and father, they separated when I was 10 or so. There was no physical abuse, but I was totally emotionally neglected from the very early age. From that early age that I never even remember loving my mother and father, I had no emotional connection to them and although they were not intentionally cruel, I was basically invisible and became only visible when they wanted something from me (to do chores or something) and my mother also used to unload her anxiety on us children - she would frequently shout to us because we had done something wrong or hadn't done something that should have been done and to me it always came unexpectedly. From the early age I tried to separate from them as much as I could. There was no one else in my life either, so I had no idea that there are things like trust, closeness etc.
But the problem is, those child feelings emerge and they emerge together with needy feelings. I'm ok with that but it's very hard to tie them with my past in emotional level, because I experience such needy and loving feeling
for the first time in my life. I have no earlier memories to direct them back to because as I said, I don't remember any such feelings in relation to my mother or father or any person from my childhood. So, I intellectually know that these feelings come from my childhood and they belong there but there is no hook to tie them to emotionally.
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Originally Posted by Skies
It sounds hard. Your therapist has the patience of a saint!! Do you sit up in sessions?
I used to be closed in too, but everything dissociated in 1 day and my whole cognitive structure changed. Now everything spills out. Of course I still hold back stuff in my therapy, but I normally spill out my feelings, most of them are how I feel about him, attachment feelings, rather than other areas of my life.
Do you think it's your defenses? I know having an OC cognitive type can be like having an outer/inner self. I see what looks like that cognitive style here and there on this forum.
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Yes, he is very patient indeed. I don't know what it is. Certainly it is some sort of defence but I'm not sure what I'm defending against. I'm not defending against the needy and attachment feelings because these are no secret in my therapy, they have been talked about a lot.
I think it's more about really experiencing connection with another person. It seems that in order to go further I have to let him in and as I have literally never let anyone in this is so scary that I do anything to not let it happen. This is not conscious 'scary' but rather unconscious one. I don't feel scared but I find myself being incredibly offensive, blocking everything. I'm afraid that I'm willing to rather ruin my therapy than to let it happen. So in that sense I think I very much depend on him in that he can skilfully manage this situation that the treatment will not get broken and that we somehow get further.
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Originally Posted by cinnamon_roll
So maybe you can start talk about this feeling. To find out why you don't want him to 'win'.
I'm pretty sure it's not so much about your T but about someone who was your parent/caregiver in your younger years... And about your younger self which wasn't seen/heard at the time and therefore is angry.
Pressure doesn't help. But maybe you as an adult could start to view your T as an ally to help your younger part/s to get their needs met - finally?
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I can't talk about this feeling when I'm feeling it because talking about it would require some amount of co-operativeness which I don't possess at that moment.
I think this situation is a complicated amalgam of my younger self and what and how my T is doing in my sessions. I admit that is is mostly me but as some feelings (especially those good attachment feelings) are new to me (I wrote about it above) then although I know that my T-s role is symbolic here I feel it would be wrong to cancel him out of this equation.
I agree that the pressure doesn't help. But I can't imagine how my adult self could help. Ok, it can help in that sense that I'm writing here right now
but when I'm in those other states then I know nothing of my adult state and I don't even care about it. In fact, I'm not sure my adult self has ever gone to therapy after the first introductory sessions. I don't even know how to go there as an adult. Also, it would probably feel as a waste of time and money because my adult self does not need help, I don't have problems I couldn't solve myself.
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Originally Posted by unaluna
This is really good work here. But its your inner child who is speaking, fighting with mother. Do you hear that? You dont need to tell it here, but think about your toilet training stories. Im STILL harping on mine!
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Thank you, I think it is accurate. Although I don't have any toilet training stories and I basically have no stories at all because my parents hardly remember anything from my childhood because they were so consumed with their own stuff I agree that this is a fight with my mother. I guess I hate her so much and although I can now intellectually already admit it (took me years), emotionally admitting it feels still impossible because it would mean that I needed her but when I think of her I feel contempt and disgust. How could I admit that I needed a person who did not love me and whom I find unpleasant and unsympathetic?
Huh, I will come back later and continue ...