Dear T,

This might not make any sense at all, but I will try to explain.

Therapy is 'doing something' to me, but I can't work out whether I am getting closer to the real me or whether I am becoming something that I am not, but which I think I want to be, because of what it gives me. Uniqueness, problems, struggles, support and care from you.

Basically I am worried that I am making it all up. That actually I am a confident and mentally healthy person, that I don't need or deserve the level of support you give me. I am worried that the deeper I go, the deeper I get entangled in this lie, this person who isn't me, and I can't find a wah out now, let alone further down the road.

But if I am making it all up, then I can't possibly be mentally healthy, because this isn't a sign of mental health, is it, pretending to be something you are not, for whatever reasons.

Still with me?

If I am not making it all up, and I do genuinely have these difficulties in life, then.....well, I am not sure what. Then...Life for me sucks. I am not sure that there is a way forward if this is the case. I can't become unwary of people. I can't become oblivious to what's going on around me.

I can't become what I want to be, because I am not sure whether I am already or not, because I am not sure if what I think I want is what o actually want or if what I actually want is what I am already.

I think even I am lost now.