Hi Rob1713,

Welcome to PsychCentral! ❤

First, let me say I am sorry you are going through this. I can relate to you in the "pattern" of it all, just not the exact events. What I mean by that is she goes through phases.

There are times when everything is great, couldn't be better. (These are the times which cause you to continue holding on to the hope it can all "get better".)
There is then a phase she seems agitated at near everything you (or the kids) do (or say) for no real reason - yet you (and the kids) are made to feel somehow responsible for this agitation, so you start trying to figure out how to get her back to that "peaceful calm" of previous.
Then there is a phase where she just all out rages - at everything, for no particular reason...but she will be sure to make you feel you deserve all this rage. Again - you are left trying to figure out "if I change this, will it get better again? Am I really a bad person? Would she be happier if I left? What does she want from me?"
Then...she will go back to being nice again, perhaps even apologize...but it will start all over and keep repeating.

This is the abuse cycle.

Depending on what occurs during the abusive states it can be emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, or spirutual - but they all follow the same basic cycle. It sounds like there is definitely emotional abuse, some physical and possibly psychological with you.

Your wife is and had been grooming your son to follow in her footsteps. A child trusts his or her mother implicitly, so he does that without thought. Whenever you, the counselors, teachers, or anyone else try to interfere with that, he becomes enraged - and reacts in the way he is being groomed to do.

Your daughter, is very resilient by the sounds of things, but will also have lasting effects from the abuse. If you do not want to divorce, that is fine - but please - remove yourself and your children from that environment as soon as possible. You can get a different job so she cannot stalk you there. Get a new phone number. Get a restraining order with the clause that if she seeks and receives treatment for her psychological issues, you will agree to monitored visitation. These are things within your power to do. Then get yourself and your children into therapy to heal from the abuse.