I was told today that I am not being renewed for next school year. So really I've been fired.

They told me that I'm not a good fit for the district, that they expected someone with my experience to have better classroom management skills. I've been struggling with my class all year long so I can't blame them for letting me go. I did terrible. I tried my best but it wasn't good enough.

They did say they would give me a good reference. But I'm feeling pretty defeated. I just don't know how to be a better classroom manager. I'm terrible at it. And it really really sucks because I love teaching. But teaching doesn't love me. I guess I'm just not good at it. I kept my job at the private school for four years and they renewed me for a fifth but they had lower standards. I guess I just can't hack it in public school.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not worried about money that much because I live with my mom so I don't pay rent. I just don't know where to go from here. Do I pursue teaching with the hopes that I'll get better at it? Or do I throw in the towel? I could be an aide instead. I'll never be able to live on my own on an aide's salary though.

I'm pursuing my master's in education but now I don't know if it's even worth it because I don't know if teaching is something I'm even capable of. I mean clearly it's not if I can't keep a job past a year.

I have a summer job at the special services district near my house. I'm considering asking if there are any open positions for an aide in the fall. There's also a teaching position for the special services district in the next county. I LOVED working with those kids last summer, but I was just an aide.

I don't know. I feel like no one will hire me now. My union rep told me to write a letter of resignation, that way I could say I resigned instead of being let go. I don't know.

It just sucks. I've never been fired before.

Ugh. I won't let this beat me. I'm not going to tailspin into an episode. It just won't happen.

I could just use some hugs.