=( you're gonna make me cry.
i had a thing last night - was in choir, final dress rehearsal for our concert tonight. i was having fun and ppl were noticing because i am usually pretty subdued.
THey know i get claustrophobic in there so i stand on the end of the row. they check in on me every now and again. well in one song, there is a drum crack that scared me out of my skin. When the director was talking to the drummer about it, i said "Any one in the audience with ptsd is gonna hit the deck!" my friend in there patted me on the back and said "kiya needs a zanex". We always goof around in there. When we left, she didn't even say good bye and walked out with a guy friend (i don't know her very well, but the guy is new - we've not seen him before). I felt suddenly sad - i realized that in my little world, she is everything - she's like #1 because choir is twice a week and i have no life. she's fun and caring and we sing well together. but in her world - i'm not even probably #2 or 3.... i only exist in choir. I go to choir and enjoy choir because of her because she brightens my week. it was just sad and i totally went into this depressive mode and the parts wanted to self injure to cure me of these silly happy times that aren't real in the end.