Trigger Warning: Suicidal Feelings

I've had suicidal feelings as a background noise for my entire life. My first attempt was aged 8. I tried a lot more during my teenage years & when I ran away from my abusive family.

Over time I've found myself more isolated - not having a family when you're black is a big taboo. The communities & spaces I tend to move in are for oppressed groups and LGBT, all of which are very, very white. So racism has been a huge problem. I still have very few friends & only 2 or so that I'd call close.

Last night I was twitter talking at length about racism in LGBT scenes. I didn't get a single response - just silence. I went to bed feeling suicidal in a very strong way. This morning I feel a quiet acceptance that I want to end my existence, but I wondered if one of my alters could just permanently take over instead. They probably wouldn't make a mess of things the way I have. Larry is one of my alters who could do the job - he's aggressive and stands up for himself, even though he's been sexually abused too.

I just feel like I cannot go on. I want to not be here, but I don't want to kill (all of) myself. I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm just hurting.