(So I'm not spamming the boards, I'll just keep adding to this thread.)

I'm really considering checking myself into a hospital today or tomorrow. My thoughts are bad today. Intense SI and a willingness to follow through with it. It's bad.
I think what's kicked it off is something interesting. Now, I was already feeling really low and I haven't wanted to even lift my head from my pillow. My mind has been occupied by so many different things and from several different angles. There was this one thing that happened the other day that got me thinking about even more, though.

I was driving with my friend (we call that time "midnight therapy" because we always end up talking about deep stuff and it's the middle of the night), and something was brought up. I started a low dose of olanzapine last week. Now, the drug's full affect probably won't happen for another week, at least. Still, it has caused brief moments in which I no longer hallucinate (it's only happened a few times). Until this happened, I didn't realize that that's what people are actually suppose to see. It's like when you put on your prescription glasses for the first time and you can see the leafs on trees in detail, unlike before. Except, I guess it's the opposite. Without the drug induced moments of "clarity", I see things in patterns, colors change into other colors, the world can wave back and forth, letters fall away into new patterns etc.; but in moments when I'm not "hallucinating" the world is, for lack of a better word, boring. Everything stays still, colors don't change, there's not veil in which the people from other dimensions walk.

I know this is long, so I'll stop here. I would've put this thread in a different forum, but the fact remains that this event set me off into a tailspin of thinking everything I see, hear, smell, taste and feel is all a lie. It has me really down. I'm tired of being different. I'm tired of finding new things that are wrong with me. I'm just tired.