I don't know how long I have felt this way but I'm going to say it's been going on since my mid-to-late teens. I was diagnosed with depression when I was around 14 years old. At one point, I was a kind, intelligent, outgoing individual. I had friends and I made decent grades and I didn't care what anyone had to say about me. But it's like I've become a completely different person in the Last 5 Years. I graduated from high school when I was 19 years old and shortly after that I found work. After about three months, they began to cut our hours and many were laid off. After that, I applied for college thinking that I could actually do something right. I decided to study Communications but I overlooked the public speaking aspect and my tendency to be nervous in front of other people. I'm such an idiot that after I failed the first semester I decided to reapply for the same major the following year. Needless to say I failed again, like I always do. I was told that I would regret not graduating from college and I do. The feeling of failure haunts me every moment. My boyfriend is four years older than me and has three college degrees, I'm a 22 year old woman child with nothing. I've decided to apply for a community college and study business management. I don't even know why I bother, I'm just doing this so that I could possibly get a better job and prove to people that I'm not a stupid waste of space. Even though I already believe that my life is pretty much over and at this point I'm willing to lay down and die. I'm constantly wishing I was smart enough to not be such a disappointment. I smoke pot almost every day and I drink whenever I can. I waste a lot of time playing video games and watching YouTube videos because It seems I'm unable to do anything else without screwing up. It's too much. I'm not really good at anything and I'm last at everything. I was told that I might be a late bloomer but now I'm thinking I'm just hopeless and retarded. I'm not even all that good looking so I can't use my looks to get ahead. And I am not the least bit charming either. I have a lot of trouble sleeping, and I lay awake at night thinking in circles and regretting all the bad decisions that I've made. I know that once your 25 it's all downhill from there. At least that's what I was told by my family. I'm not a religious person, but I do have an interest in the occult and reincarnation. I think it would be nice if I could just die and come back and try again without relearning everything and that is my idea of positive thinking. The idea that you can have a second chance. I know it sounds stupid but what do you expect? The only thing keeping me killing myself is worrying about the people I care about having two go through the trauma of seeing a dead body. And that's it period nothing else keeps me from it because at this point I feel pretty helpless. But I often fantasize about hurting myself and sometimes even other people. I don't like that I'm just so frustrated all the time. I don't like thinking this way and I feel weak for not having any discipline or self-control. What can I do? Does anyone else have this issues, and if so how do you cope? Thank you.