Hi all
My name is Eddie age 33 and I feel comfortable saying I suffer from bipolar disorder, my father whom I have had almost no contact with my whole life actually draws disability for being mentally incompetent, for the last 10 years, as well there is a history of mania, and disfunction in other family members.

I can remember far back as kindergarten being suspended for loud excessive talking, and disrespect to the teacher......I guess I cursed at her for trying to stop my excessive talking.....

I have been to a mental doctor at age 12 but refused to go back ...since I felt like a science project...I have had a bizarre life from day one...and feel they were overly interested in what made me tick....I had scores in the 95% range in the nation for reading/comprehension..but was unable to apply this potential then or now to real life.

I have been able to hold the same job since age 20 approx. (barely) but feel like everyone is conspiring against me ...and feel they are the ones with the problem...as I get older this gets worse and I over analyze every word and every action over and over ...though I am aware this is a disorder it is uncontrollable even when I make a conscious effort....I talk excessively and loud and have been told I repeat myself by almost everyone.

these disorders are what make me who I am though and do not bother me, but do everyone around me.....

I fear without the disorders I possibly suffer, I would not be able to survive finacialy...since the mania is what keeps me obssesing and over analyzing on work as well....and at the end of the day make me succesful...

I have also been able (barely) to hold together the same marriage since age 19..not sure how ....

There are a few bipolar people were I work ...even they think I have mental problems worse than them......agin though they don't really bother me...it would be nice to have one full night of sleep though since I rarly sleep through the night...my mind just wont stop

I am like a light switch and can go from calm and collected to talking and analyzing every detail and word of something which always overwhelms whomever it is directed at

I dont however feel the sever depression that I read most have with bipolar..though do possibly keep it bottled up....it seems to be replace by dilusions of supernatural & paranioa.....I know it souds crazy and I keep it to myself from the general public that I am exposed to.
To keep from being stigmatized...
I dont know what to do at this point in time about this...please feel free to give any advice and be forthright. I am receptive
kind regards
Eddie