oh yeah - i just remembered the other half of what upset me about that.... my friend in choir - like a lot of the people who are around me - tend to get younger around me. i have a stuffy owl on my key chain that she commented on and we were both cute about it. I was playfully dancing around and she said we'd coordinate our dance moves.... and i realized that people think it's cute and they play along for a moment... she called me "little one" because i'm both younger than she and because i was on a shorter riser... and then they go away back to their adult lives and i stay where i am... without any real friends. they are friends with me in the moments of the confines that I am with them... but not outside of that.

And I can't follow them. you don't want me to use that word... i ... don't know how to cross that invisible line so that I am an adult (since i am really 30) in their context and can have friends outside of choir or work. that's where all the depressiveness came in.

Who i am in choir isn't necessairly who i am. I have not been "that" perosn in there until last night - young and playful. I'm usually sarcastic and jaded. But then again, i'm a multiple, so things can and do change... often. It just gets me down that i'm not consistantly the same person but i am consistant in the fact that i have only 3 friends out side of my professional life. one really really close friend, two that (i feel like) tolerate me. One "friend" at work looked at me the other day and said "You've got issues". Great. Thanks. "Well, you do". I hate myself so often - i hate not knowing who i am - but that others seem to. I hate having triggers that people notice. my "mom" voice inside is chirping "don't use the word hate". *sigh*.