Quote:
Originally Posted by lolagrace
I guess I look at this differently. I do think that what he was trying to communicate and what came out of his mouth were two different things, and I don't hear some deep-seeded message or belief in his words.
Here's where I come from: I was assaulted as a minor by people who were authority figures and who I felt little power against because of the adult/child dynamic. One of the things my therapists reminded me of was that if in the same situation now that I had been in at a younger place, in a different place, is that I would very likely react much differently and handle things much differently. That wasn't a matter at all of putting blame on me for what had happened; instead, it was a matter of acknowledging that as I've aged and grown and found my own healing, I do have much more internal and external agency against the type of people who originally assaulted me.
My therapists got very specific with me about self-defense tactics that I really wasn't trained in or that aware of so that if ever put in that position again, I would at least be able to buy myself some time to hopefully get away. That wasn't putting blame on me for any past or (God forbid) future assaults; that was giving me some concrete skills to keep me a bit safer physically, and I appreciated the concrete information and skills that also helped me find a bit better sense of internal safety.
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Im glad that, in your experience, you found this kind of approach helpful. I do not in any way want to discount the value that you found in having a T use this kind of approach with you to heal from your trauma.
That said, in my (different) personal situation, when a T attempted to do this with me -- to talk about how I could have more agency-- regarding an assault I experienced a few weeks prior (when I was in my 30s) I found it invalidating, disgusting, and traumatizing. For me, the assault happened when I was a grown adult, I had already taken more than one self-defense class, i was trained in how to fight back if I experienced unwanted advances by the rape crisis center at the University where I teach, I routinely took numerous precautions to avoid placing myself in risky situations (never walk alone at night, always park in a lighted area, always carry mace, etc), I already knew countless ways of attempting to escape-- and when someone overpowered me and assaulted me none of them helped (and I had literally thought "if I'm ever attacked again, I will do X, Y, Z), and I could go on. There is literally not one thing I could have done differently to prevent the assault, or escape earlier-- and the suggestion that I could makes me so angry I cannot even put it into words. For me, suggesting that I could learn from this experience or plan what I could do differently in the future is the most sickening response I can fathom. In fact, it feels like someone is taking my agency away because they are not belieiving me when I tell them that I did nothing "wrong." The very suggestion that I could have acted differently-- or fought harder--or fight harder in the future-- implies that in fact I could have done something "better." And that simply isn't true. In hindsight, there is not a thing I could have done differently. i escaped with my life, and that is a testament to how prepared I was and how hard I fought. I had been attacked once previously at 16, and once at 31, and the additional fifiteen years and numerous self-defense classes made zero difference. I didn't freeze either time; I fought. But I was still overpowered (despite regularly lifting weights). The perpetrator who attacked me when I was 16-- I believe I am his only living victim-- so if someone tells me I should have done something differently, I can only imagine not surviving. So when my therapist asked me "how could you have acted differently to have more agency?"-- it's just the most tone deaf and insulting question I can imagine asking an assault victim.