I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 11 after showing my teacher poetry about how I wanted to die and asking for help. Since then, I still haven't found happiness. I'm transgender and struggle with gender dysphoria. I'll probably never have the money for surgeries/hormones. I have no friends and haven't for about 5 years. That's the jist of the back story or whatever, I guess. So, with that out of the way, I can get to last week, and I'll try to be vague. Please don't delete my post. So, I'm 19 and where I'm from I can't legally purchase alcohol until 21. So last week I planned to kill myself at work and I wanted a bottle of vodka to make it easier and I asked a coworker if he'd get me some (his job involves leaving the building regularly through the day anyway) and he said yes but he's a little bit incompetent and didn't get it to me until the end of my shift when I couldn't go through with the plan. So I got home and I drank and I haven't been feeling as intensely any more but I feel like all I'm doing is waiting until I feel that way again. Like my entire life is a cycle of bursts of extreme, suicidal, unmanageable moments, with in-between halfway stable moments of waiting for the emotions to return.