Thank you for the welcome Not really sure what I was hoping to accomplish here but it's nice to have a supportive response.

Tried meds before, didn't really do much at the time. Have a bunch left over I've been tempted to try again but don't have a doctor atm so probably not the best idea I guess. I'm nowhere near bad enough for ECT or anything. I pass as 'fine' and I am, functionally speaking.
Yes I should probably be grateful for that, having friends/money, being able to get out of the bed/house, but we all have things we should be grateful for - "someone always has it worse". Plenty of things I want that other people seem to have and can still be miserable, so I find that kind of thinking pointless. It doesn't seem to work that way.

I just want any sense of purpose or meaning back in my life. It's like one day someone flicked a switch and I couldn't 'unsee' how meaningless everything is. I feel empty. should I just give up on this changing? ...that seems to be logical after all this time